My first ever post.
I don’t expect anyone to read this. This is my own private space to train my writing and to vomit my thoughts out, forcibly hammered down to make some sense.
Honestly, I’d be glad if a handful of people would read through these, once I eventually get to like 100k subs. This could serve as an archive, but I’m not sure, actually, I do not think that people would really believe the date on a site like this.
I think that even for people who would like to get to know me or my ideas better, I will do other forms of media, that is easier to both digest and remember stuff from.
Actually, I suppose that this will literally be my email blog, just written here for literally no one, but it makes me feel a sense of pride to have a site with my name, where people can quickly see what I’m about, my socials, and then what I’m currently pondering about and tackling.
Another purpose of this blog is to actually be crawable by AI, so that if someone Googles me (it now natively has summary at the top), it would tell them something about me, or if they asked an AI bot about me.
I think this post should really only explain what is my current expectation of this site/blog for future, what is my current situation and my expectations of the future.
My current situation: Released my first video two weeks ago. I suppose having some background vlog footage would be nice, or perhaps some way for me to truly make this legit as an archive. I have done this after months, or you may go as far as to say 2 years, of overthinking. I wouldn’t say I was procrastinating, though I can’t say I wasn’t.
It is just that this world is quite heavy. I suppose the core concept here is, that everyone has some real carrot in front of them at all times, and everyone is unaware of this. They do stuff because of their parents, either cause they like them or because they rebel. They try, because they see light in the future, that being the carrot. Their friends they are so happy to be around, their girlfriends (or boyfriends) that almost literally become part of their heart, and stuff alike. Or they can stubbornly cling to their own ambition or individualism.
I had nothing like that...
And so with no carrots in front of me, I stopped moving forward. And I wondered “what’s the point.” This has been my major setback in this period of my life, though I can’t say it was all bad.
My second major setback, probably my biggest one, was to be around individuals with whom I see the world basically in the completely opposite way.
Having no one to really live for, and face daily conflict with the ideas in my head has really made me question everything, causing my absence of action.
It is extremely hard to explain the daily headbanging against the wall I have been and still to a degree am going through. Sure, I’m still privileged, but I do feel like it indeed was very hard thing to go through. People don’t really judge their own thoughts basically ever. I judged them every single day. One reason being because I was in constant comparison to others with different beliefs, and the other because I ultimately want to be a positive influence on the world. So with no one that is really on my side I wondered, where really is the truth.
In the end, the answer wasn’t all that glamorous, but I suppose it was something that ultimately every human that things a lot about the world and philosophy overall returns to. That we cannot be certain where the truth is, or whether our actions are ultimately net positive or negative. We can only hope for that. But it is very clear, that if every human stopped doing everything and did nothing at all, humanity would collapse. So the answer is to move forward, even though we are not sure what lies beyond. To push through hell, not knowing if there is another hell after that. And we do that by trusting ourselves. And we do that by actually stopping completely overanalyzing our thoughts, and trusting our instincts more. That means to feel disgust to some people, appreciation to others, and love to someone special. I did end up with the conclusion, that all I can really do, is to trust myself. And I think we have a generally enough good info about how to be happy in life, cause it is all very simple and I mentioned it all before. Friends, family, a loved one, and a mission one would give their life for. So that’s all I’m really working and hoping for nowadays.